I’m not really sure where this is going to lead to but I feel I just want to get things off my chest. Irony is, I’m a compulsive liar trying to make friends and family believe my world is perfect when it isn’t.
May as well start with the love life. Fun fact, I’m a 20-something YO guy who’s never had a girlfriend and still holding onto my v-plates waiting for ‘someone special’ to lose it to – yes, you read right that I’m a straight guy saying that. It probably doesn’t help I’ve never HAD a girlfriend but when you strikeout a good 10 times in your high school years, your confidence falters pretty damn quick. Every time I think things could be going somewhere with a girl too, it goes south so quick! She already has a BF, she’s not looking for one right now, she’s a lesbian (actually happened once) or the latest one I was feeling good about – she’s JUST met someone. I hadn’t told her how I felt because of my nerves and now she’s found a guy. Fuck me right?
I think part of the problem is my weight. I’m slightly bigger – bout 105kg to be exact – and I look in the mirror and think, ‘who would want to get into a serious relationship with that?’ It’s a terrible thought, I know it is, but it’s there and it won’t leave. I’ve tried the gym, I’ve tried diets, but we all know what’s the best comfort after tripping up in life. What’s worse is I KNOW it’s bad for me but then I just think, ‘fuck it, you’re already here’. It’s not to say I’m MASSIVE or anything but you know, when you see lil stretch marks around your puku (that’s stomach on Maori for anyone international that somehow finds this blog), you know you’re a bit bigger than you should be.
I’d never harm myself or have an eating disorder. My family raised me to appreciate life and I truly don’t think I could ever fall so deep into a tunnel I couldn’t see some kind of hope at the end of it, but it just feels like I’m sitting in that tunnel. Content. Just wading through life not really worried about whether I break away from there fully or not. Fuck, I don’t even know if that makes sense but then what does.
I guess that brings me to the lying. When you’re content with things being average or slightly shit on a regular day and you can survive there, you’re not about to tell your mum that are you? “Life’s great”, “Yeah, I’ve JUST started seeing a girl, we’ll see where it goes. I’m taking it slow”, “Yes, I’m watching what I eat”. You get the picture. If I’m honest, I had a pretty fucking awesome upbringing with a lot of success – head prefect, national sport honours, DUX of the school, which all set me up for the full-time job I have now which pays the bills. But what does that shit matter? It’s all bits of paper that disappears when you go six feet under or where-the-fuck-ever you choose. I guess seeing how happy my parents are and the amazing family upbringing I had, which I know and cherish to be rare nowadays, I want my life to be measured by loved ones and memories.
Can’t really do that as a 20something overweight virgin afraid to ask girls though… fuck.
I dunno, I’ve got a four-day weekend coming up from work. Maybe that’s the break I need to sort life out.
Or maybe I’ll just go for a walk and play video games.